Saturday, December 18, 2010

Lists: We Have Them, and Now, You Can, Too!

We at Quivers of Men realize that we have not given you, our readers, any spiritual guidance in almost two weeks now. As the "holiday season" approached, we have been confronting the challenges that come with those who want to adopt a pagan holiday and turn it into a so-called religious holiday. Now that we have successfully ostracized those who celebrate said holiday, we decided that it was once again time to offer you more of our wisdom.

We want to make it very clear that we do not believe in living our lives according to lists. We are not prone to unbiblical legalism. But unfortunately, everyone else is. Since you, our readers, are the weaker brothers here, we decided to provide you with some of our lists that will help you become more like us in our biblical legalism.

Modesty (females)

  • Can you see her collarbone? Immodest and indecent.
  • Does her sleeve end more than three inches above her elbow? Borderline immodest.
  • Sleeveless? Just kidding! We know that you would never dream of letting your wives or daughters dress like a prostitute. 
  • When she stands up straight with her arms down and her fingertips touching her legs, does her skirt end above her ankles? Immodest. 
  • Is she wearing loose-fitting pants? In her own home, borderline. Anywhere outside the home, offensive. 
Modesty (males)

  • Not an issue.
Pop Culture - Movies

  • Was it made before 1965? It's more than likely all right.
  • Was it made after 1965? It's more than likely not all right. Exception is The Princess Bride.
  • Disney movies? Made before 1975, probably all right.
  • Rated G? Make sure you watch it first.
  • Rated PG? Make sure you dub out all offensive material.*
  • Rated PG-13? Obtain the permission of your church elders, or Quivers of Men. We are sure it goes without saying that PG-13 movies in general are only acceptable if the rating is for war violence. 
  • Rated R? Remember, R stands for WRONG. 
  • Outings to movie theaters? Only as a family. 
Pop Culture - Music

  • Was it written in or before the 19th century? Acceptable.
  • Was it written in the 20th century? Make sure you thoroughly listen to it first.
  • Was it written in the 21st century? No approval. No exceptions. 
These are just a few of our lists that we keep to ensure that we are not living in unbiblical legalism. Start utilizing them today and before you know it, you'll be starting lists of your own! (Just be sure you run them by us so we can make sure your lists align themselves with ours--the right ones!)

We hope you all are having a blessed December! We are sure that you will all have a very uneventful rest of the month, and in case we don't post again before then, have a happy New Year!

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

*For our list of offensive material, contact us privately.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Lions, and Tigers, and Sinners, Oh My!

Recently, we received a question asking what to do when you have "friends" who are not like you. These people come in all shapes and sizes. They might have both parents working. They might go to movie theatres. They might allow their daughters to show their collarbones or to wear pants when doing yardwork. They might eat fast food. They might let their children look straight in the eye of the opposite, uh, gender...or even "date." They might not have as many children as they should. They might be "purpose driven." They might read "Bibles" that aren't the OKJV (Original King James Version). Or perhaps they've never volunteered at Vision Forum conferences or even manned the VF booth at the state homeschool convention. 

Be not alarmed, friends! We are here to help you deal with all types of sinners.

There are generally only two categories of difficult people you will have to come in contact with: those you work with, and those you attend church with.*  We are going to address each category individually.

When dealing with these kinds of sinners in the workplace, make it your first priority to remember that they probably don't know any better. They need constant help. Drop little hints in your conversations. Perhaps your coworker will say something like, 
"My daughter is enjoying her dance lessons so much! Praise God that she has found something she loves that glorifies Him!" 
Without plainly saying that he and his family are living in sin, say something along the lines of, 
"Oh, I didn't know that your family believed that dancing isn't a sin against God. Tell me: what are your thoughts on smoking, or fornicating?"
With a compassionate Christian smile on your face, of course. 

This method is fool-proof.** If your coworker does not come to repentance, you must not have been condescending enough, and Quivers of Men cannot be held responsible for your lack of converts.

Now, concerning sinners in your church. In short, there is absolutely no excuse for this. They are in church, for crying out loud! These people are in open rebellion, and are bent on rubbing their disdain for God's Laws in your face. Perhaps their sons don't wear ties, or they wear colored shirts, or their daughters tie the sash on their dress so tightly that you can see their waist. The best response here is to routinely look them up and down--because maybe, if you look at them long enough, they will miraculously be modestly transformed. Or at the very least they will be shamed into leaving, thus making sure they pollute some other congregation and not yours. Admittedly, we see the latter result more often than the former, but God works in mysterious ways and we believe that when we try hard enough He CAN be victorious!

One of the most important points here, as the OKJV reminds us, is not to be surprised at these fiery trials among you. Many are walking through the very same fires, so you mustn't think you are alone. If you begin to feel this way, please call  the VF Hotline and they will attempt to put you in touch with another family who is living by the same list you are and will be able to provide encouragement as you battle the influence of the less godly.

Stand firm, friends! When we get to heaven it's all going to be worth it to make sure that our children won't have to be corrupted by those who believe that fashion, entertainment (other than croquet and Scrabble), and moonshine can co-exist with the truth of God.

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

*Yes, unfortunately we understand that every church has members who don't belong because of some type of sin. If you haven't found them yet, you're not looking hard enough.

**This is not a method. We do not recommend methods.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Righteous Daughter: Learning to Wait

In every household, there comes a time when your female arrows will be old enough to begin a courtship process. Technically, this process can start when the daughter in question is about 27. However, since your help-meet will still be bearing you more arrows by the time your first daughters are "of age," it is generally too convenient with them at home helping with the younger arrows and serving their Patriarch. Therefore, feel free to hold off on the courtship process for as long as desired. Remember: marriage is always the goal, but God never mandated a specific amount of time in which to reach that goal. Good things come to those who serve their fathers.

Of course, your daughter will begin to wonder why her chief end--to get married and fill her husband's quiver--is so long in coming. Remind her constantly that everything happens according to God's timing, and that you alone will be made aware when God's time for her has come. She needn't worry about it. When she is to be married, you will let her know. However, at about age 30, your daughter will begin a quiet rebellion in the form of casting lingering looks at young men. This must not be allowed to continue. We cannot stress enough that in God's grand order for our lives, romantic feelings come only after marriage. You must work hard to ensure that your daughter suppresses all feelings of "love" until after her wedding.

Another obstacle you will run into is that young men may have their fathers contact you on their behalf about starting a courtship with your daughter. In this case, you can satisfy the young man without sacrificing the comfort of having your daughter live at home. Be honest with the young man: you will pray about it. And, friends, prayer can take a long, long time.

However, you must be careful! The last thing we want is to be seen as "normal." Worldly women wait an obscenely long time before getting married (if they even get married at all). You must not be seen as this! Take extra measures to make sure the "world" knows that your daughter is waiting out of obedience and deference, not self-righteous "independence." Keep her indoors as much as possible, so no one will see that she is not married. If she must go out-of-doors, make sure she wears many layers--i.e., routine turtleneck w/ floor-length denim jumper combo, stockings, keds, shawl, sweater tied around the waist (but not too tight!), hairnet, bonnet--so that she will not attract attention to herself. To be safe, when going out, put her mother's wedding ring on her left hand. The reason for this is twofold: one, people will assume she is married, and two, it symbolizes that she is married to her father until he passes that responsibility over to her future husband.

As always, we hope this helps you in your continuing righteous quest to be more like us and our Godly ways.

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

For the Patriarchs -- Yes, You Need Help, Too!

Now don't raise your fist in alarm, keep reading!  We all know that the Bible says that a wife is to be busy at all times with housework (with the exception of a day or two following each birth), but what the Patriarch needs to realize is that the wife needs your help to do all this.  Do you really think that she is capable of knowing exactly what needs to be done and how to do it without your oversight?  Some of you may be asking what you can do to help your wife, and we are here to provide some of those answers.

First of all, rather than being exasperated every time something is not done to your standards in the home, make a preemptive strike!  Sit your wife down with whatever chart or list you have concocted to show her what her duties are for each day/week/month, and systematically go through the steps that she is required to take to accomplish these tasks.  Remind her that "well begun is half done", and also that anything less than a completion of every step amounts to the job being undone.  Just think of the relief she will feel, knowing the task in front of her, and knowing that you have HELPED her to accomplish it! 

Of course there are pitfalls here, too.  At times, your wife may appear tired, or frustrated with her given tasks, or exhausted from dealing with your arrows all day.  Remember that she is weaker, and try not to exasperate her with too much rebuke (unless she is letting her tiredness show a little too much).  Instead, constantly remind her, with a smile on your face, that she was made for this by God, and certainly He will not give her more tasks (through her husband) than she has the stamina to complete!  Isn't that a blessed truth?!

But the danger can come when, as a result of seeing your wife's tiredness, you attempt to do things to UNhelp her, things that ultimately make her job, and yours, much harder.  Whether through verbal cues, or just a sinful look in her eye, she communicates to you that YOU should be doing some of the tasks assigned to her, and if you give in out of your love for her, expect chaos to immediately ensue.  You have now turned the world and its order upside down  in one, swift, weak-leader move!  Unloading the dishwasher, changing a diaper, or cleaning a toilet may seem like a little thing once in a while, but what you have done is to make a lie out of creation.  And the long-term effects are not only possible, but probable!  We already know what they are....we lived through the Women's Lib Movement!  Men, do not be persuaded to abandon your post!  There is no need to get up off that couch, or turn off your Glenn Beck program after a long day of work!  Relax, and glory in the fact that your home is running as it should, and that you, the Patriarch, have helped it to do so. 

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

Friday, November 19, 2010

Suitors of Help-Meets: What You Need to Find Out

Here at Quivers of Men, we strive to provide those who wish to be more like us with every tool possible to do so. One of the questions we receive frequently is what questions we ask potential suitors of our daughters. For our family, the way a relationship works is that the prospective husband meets with the father, and after a few rounds of getting to know each other, they will enter into what we call 'courtship'. Depending on the family, courtship may also somewhat involve that daughter that the prospective husband desires for a help-meet.

So, after much prayer over the matter, we decided to give to you, our readers, an abbreviated version of our comprehensive list of everything that you should be asking the young men that approach you. Feel free to leave out or substitute up to six questions from our list, as it applies to your own family. For your convenience, we have separated the questions by section. An (*) asterisk indicates that an undesirable answer may be a 'game-changer', so to speak.

Section 1: Basic

This first section of questions deals with basic things you will need to know about the men that approach you about your daughters.

*1. Are you a believer?

*2. Where did you grow up?

*3. What is your occupation? 

*4. What is it that leads you to believe God wants you in a relationship with (Insert Daughter's Name, if applicable).

*5. By what means did your parents educate you? (i.e. Homeschooling, as God intended; public schooling, living in sin; or private schooling, living in slightly less sin)

6. Are you in debt?

Section 2:  Relationships

In this section, we ask only what we feel is most important for us to know. To some extent, his previous romantic liaisons are his business. We don't ask more than we must.

*1. How many significant others ('girlfriends') have you had? Please provide a brief summary of each of these relationships, including how and why they ended.

*2. What is the average number of significant others ('boyfriends') that your former 'girlfriends' had before being with you? As possible, provide summaries of each of those relationships including how and why they ended.

*3. How often do you flirt?

*4. What are your thoughts on divorce? Has anyone close to you ever been divorced? If so, when did you disassociate yourself from them?

5. Have previous relationships marred the way you feel about certain songs? Please list these songs.

*6. How many children do you plan on having? Would you ever consider using names for your children that are not found in the Bible?

*7. Would you ever say things specifically to please your help-meet? Please list the things you would be willing to lie about in order to please her.

8. If the relationship with our daughter were not allowed, how might it affect you and your own family? Please describe in detail the steps you would go through to get over the pain.

Section 3: Your Childhood/Family

The childhood and family a man has are an integral part of the husband and, more importantly, father, he will become. Again, however, we stick to the bare minimum.

*1. How did your parents meet? Are they alive?

*2. If asked to choose your favorite parent, who might you pick?

3. Do you have many brothers and sisters? Please list their names, ages, and marital statuses.

*4. Would you describe your siblings as worse- or better-looking than yourself? What features contribute to your and their levels of attractiveness? (i.e. Jaw alignment, facial symmetry, skin condition)

*5. Is there a history of mental illness, heart disease, or Democratic voting in your family?

*6. What is your mother's maiden name? Have either of your parents ever changed their names?

*7. Growing up, what access did you have to a pressure-group (referred to by others as 'peer-group'). 

8. Did you have any beloved pets growing up? If so, please provide a list of these pets in order of favoritism and include photographs if possible.

*9. What was your father's average yearly income when you lived with him? What about now?

Section 4: Worldview

We simply cannot let our daughter enter into a holy union with a man without first knowing that his Worldview fits firmly with ours. We cannot have her exposed to different ideas, no matter what age. This is clearly laid out for us in a book of the Bible.

1. How long have you been affiliated with the Republican party/Constitutionalist movement? Please list any Democrats you know or commonly associate with.

*2. Do you believe the United States should have been involved in any war besides the Revolutionary War? 

*3. Do you own a TV? If so, list the other pagan activities you frequently take part in.

*4. Have you ever listened to secular music? If so, please include the date on which you stopped.

*5. Do you believe marriage to be the sacred union between a man and at least one woman?

***6. Would you ever consider voting for a female candidate running for public office? If so, consult the Bible.

*7. Do you believe that 'modern' and 'trendy' clothing makes Christians slaves to the world?

*8. Have you ever accidentally consumed alcohol? If so, please explain the situation, and what you did to avoid further occurrences.

*9. What are your thoughts on vaccinations, keeping in mind that they contain the Sign of the Beast?

*10. Do you believe that it is the place of women to be keepers at home, not engaging in any sort of employment?

*11. Did you fill out your unlawful census form? 

*12. Describe your thoughts on why the Eco-friendly and 'Green' movements are the Evil One's latest ploy to lead us astray.

Section 5: Personal Habits

It puts our minds at slightly more ease if we know vaguely what the young man in question does with his own time. In this section too, you should not be too invasive.

1. How many calories (average) do you consume in a day?

2. Do you ever stay in bed passed 6am? If so, why?

*3. How many times a week do you typically shower? How long do you typically stay in the shower at a time? What brand of shampoo do you use most often?

*4. What color undergarments do you usually wear? If the answer is something other than white or black, please provide a detailed explanation.

*5. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? Do you snore? If so, how loudly?

6. Have you ever lied? What about on these questions?

*7. What spiritual gift(s) did God grant you with? Provide a list, including at least one example of you using your gift for your own benefit, instead of God's. 

*8. Is exercise important to you? Do you over-eat?

*9. Have you ever spent more than an hour on the Internet in a single week? If so, please provide an explanation for this blatant rebellion towards God.

*10. Do you crack your knuckles? How often?

11. Summarize what a typical tooth-brushing session means for you.

*12. Is your favorite movie 'Fireproof,' or 'One Night With the King'?

*13. How many times a day do you yawn? Would you say excessive yawning is something you struggle with?

Section 6: Miscellaneous

These are various important questions that did not fit in to any of the previous categories. Ask them nonetheless.

*1. Do you believe the writings of the false teacher/devout Wiccan J. K. Rowling?

*2. Hypothetical: If you were going to deny yourself permission to marry your own daughter, how would you do it so that you felt as insufficient as possible?

*3. What are your thoughts on racism? 

*4. Have you ever met a feminist? If so, explain the situation.

*5. Do you consider you favorite author to be C. S. Lewis or Jane Austen?

Section 7: If Applicable 

Use these questions only if they apply to the young man in question, as they are more specific than the others.

*1. We noticed that you have a non-Biblical name. In what commune did your parents meet?

*2. Is that you natural hair color? Is the rest or your family also brunette/red-headed/black-haired/bald?

*3. What percentage Native American are you? When did you move off of the Reservation?

*4. Have you ever participated in gang activities?

*5. Have you ever been to Africa?

*6. Do you hablo englese?

We sincerely hope that this list helped you. While we currently have no children that have been married, we definitely aspire to someday. Remember, however, that the list is never finished. As various new pathways open up that stray from God's Path, you must grow more and more weary. You cannot protect and shelter your Arrows from the World enough, so you, as parents, must remain ever-vigilant against attacks from the World's culture.  

In the service of the Lord, 
Quivers of Men

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Sharpen Your Arrows

We at Quivers of Men acknowledge that the most important task imparted to us by God is to have a quiver full of arrows. The second most important task is to sharpen those arrows. We have gotten many questions on the right way to sharpen your arrows. Even though the arrows should never be fired (especially arrows of the female variety), they should still be kept fully sharpened. Remember, the safest place for arrows is in the quiver.*

In the formative years, remember: stricter is always better. The moment your child is born, he starts expressing his sinful nature. Our next-door neighbors--we'll call them the Paygansons--often give in to their 5-week-old's sinful behavior. The poor child has already learned that he can assert his authority over his parents by crying at the slightest discomfort, making his parents his own personal bond servants, as they stoop to feed and change him on his time. It should be abundantly clear that a child's sinful nature must be addressed as soon as it is first expressed. For example, if your 6-year-old exhibits sinful behaviors in the form of stealing cookies, would you wait until after the twelfth offense before you disciplined him? Of course not. The same principle is applicable to babies. The earlier a child learns that he is not in control, the easier it will be for you to assert your authority over him.

Living apart from the world is clearly outlined in Scripture, but it is markedly more difficult for children in their teenage years to accept. At this point, the Patriarchal grip must be at its tightest. Children in their teenage years are six thousand times more likely to rebel than children in their pre-teen, or adult years. For this reason, you should not wait to rein in your rebellious teenage children until they have exhibited rebellious behavior; rather, tighten your grip as a precautionary measure, which we guarantee will ensure your teenagers' full obedience.** Here is a helpful tip: on the day of your daughter's 13th birthday, have a serious discussion with her about her newfound rebellious nature, and explain to her that as a consequence, it will now be her role to be at her mother's side 24/7. Where mother walks, daughter walks. What mother sews, daughter sews. This will enable you to keep close watch over your daughter. On the day of your son's 13th birthday, have a similar discussion with him, but instead of having him stay under the watch of the father, simply double or triple his firewood load. This will probably keep him too busy to plot his rebellion. We promise that these tactics will grow healthy, happy adult children who will be very grateful for the restrictions placed on them in their teenage years.

Soon after these adolescent years are over, you're almost halfway there! Next come the early adult years of your children. But be careful--if you have not successfully stunted the growth of your children's rebellion, it will rapidly flourish in these early adult years. You should by no means decrease the restrictions or expectations placed on your children merely because they are adults. They are adults when you determine that they are. At which point, they will, of course, still need much guidance and instruction from you in every aspect of their lives. Always be prepared to counsel and instruct them, whether they openly ask for it or not.

Over the years, we have perfected these scriptural precedents. We will be praying heartily for you as you seek to serve God by utilizing these techniques to sharpen your arrows. May God bless your holy endeavors!

Next time on Quivers of Men, join us for an abridged version of our "SOHM list." It's a don't-miss! 

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

*There is a valid argument to be made that the safest place for arrows is in the least until age 30.

**If your teenage child does, in fact, rebel, your grip must not have been tight enough, and Quivers of Men cannot be held responsible for your lack of parenting skills.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Godlier Blog

Hello, and welcome to Quivers of Men! This blog is meant for the following:

  • to encourage families with lots of children to have no less than lots more children
  • to encourage help-meets (or "wives", if you prefer) to be more helpful
  • to encourage arrows (or "children", if you prefer) to fly straight, but never leave the quiver
  • to encourage Patriarchs to tighten that grip, boss that help-meet, and keep "the world" at bay
  • and more!
Here at Quivers of Men, we realize that most families aren't perfect. Don't worry--we were there once too, and that's why we started this blog.

We hope this blog is everything you need to create and perfect y[our] worldview. Visit us again soon, when we'll have a delightful discussion about arrows ("children", as it were).

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men