Friday, August 26, 2011

Father, Son and Holy Spiritship®

As we are sure you know, how you conduct your arrows' relationships is extremely telling about your level of maturity as parents, and as Christians. Others will have every right to judge you based on your courtship methods, so you must always be sure that the method you choose (ours) is the most godly. One of our help-meet readers recently sent us this dilemma.

Dear Quivers of Men,
Help! I am at my wit's end.
My stay-at-home adult daughter is in a very godly and biblical relationship with a young man. Since we obviously cannot place trust in either of them (they are children, after all!), we have taken very positive safeguards to protect them from themselves. We follow the natural list: no touching, no lingering eye contact, no alone time, etc. At least one, if not two, chaperons are always with them, and will continue to be until their wedding, one month from now. They have been generally receptive and grateful for these rules, but now we have a serious problem! There are certain other young couples in close contact with our daughter and her intended who are NOT following the biblical model for courtship. They hold hands, exchange "I love yous" and go out on dates! Their parents fully support and almost encourage it. And they claim to be Christians! Naturally, I KNOW that they are sinning and that the only outcome of those relationships is a dead end. But what about us?? Won't their "free" relationships make my patriarch and me look too legalistic and controlling? Please advise!

Dear help-meet, do not lose hope. Your question brings up a very good point, and is a good jumping off point for introducing our NEW method, "Father, Son and Holy Spiritship®." We are sure it goes without saying that "dating" is a blatant attack on our worldview. The biblical method, courtship, while its intentions were originally honorable, worldly influences have crept into it and turned it into a kind of "fancy dating" process, in which couples are allowed to "go out" in groups, as long as the young men have "permission" from the daughters' patriarchs. The newer method of "Lordship" has proven very effective (we have yet to see it come to fruition, aka marriage, but we have several hopefuls!), but we still feel it places a little too much emphasis on "love," "feelings," and the daughter's "place" in a relationship. Hence, our latest and holiest method, "Father, Son and Holy Spiritship
®." Here is a breakdown for you:

The "Father," seeking a patriarch for his hopeful-help-meet daughter, builds a relationship with the "Son," and the Holy Spirit blesses their relationship on its way to a godly marriage between the son and the father's daughter. This new way is by far the most godly and biblical. It is a great first pre-step in a pre-relationship (Lordship). It eliminates all confusion about the "primary players" in every relationship. With so much responsibility in a relationship removed from the daughter, she is much more free to continue fine-tuning her homemaking skills, serving her patriarch, and raising her younger fellow-arrows. 

So to our help-meet reader, adjust your method accordingly. And as for the "other" couples, we can hardly do more than shake our heads in disbelief that you have not yet confronted these couples' parents with their sin. And you say they remain in "close contact" with your daughter and her intended?? If it isn't clear by the double question mark, let us state the obvious: DO NOT let your daughter near these couples! And do not worry about appearing legalistic and controlling, revel in it! Rejoice that you are in the right, and be very vocal in your community about the sin and wrongness of the other couples. Feel free to criticize them in public settings. Others might accuse you of being "tactless," but keep in mind that tact is just an illusion the world invented so that it would not have to be confronted with its own shortcomings, which God intended for us to point out. God needs YOU to put a stop to their worldly influence!

You may begin sending us your Father, Son and Holy Spiritship® success stories. Few things bring us as much (godly) pride as knowing that our readers are walking in our truths. 

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Holier Than Ever

We at Quivers of Men would like to welcome ourselves back to our holy endeavor.

We would also like to take this time to ask of you, our struggling-to-be-Godly patriarchs and help-meets, what your particular struggles are and what your sinful homes and arrows need the most from our God-given wisdom. Quivers of Men is prepared to give insight into any of the issues surrounding our sacred calling to be an abnormal, eccentric, queer people. A few topics that we know you need our counsel on are listed below.
  • Father, Son and Holy Spiritship -- The First Pre-Step In a Pre-Relationship
  • If God Gave You Arrows, They're Always Your Arrows
  • If They're Doing Anything They Want To Do, They're Not Doing Anything They Need To Do
  • The QOM-sanctioned music for your ATiPod
  • Hair-Cutting -- The Devil's Craft Time
  • The Media, aka Homosexuality, Inc.
  • Seeking a Help-Meet for Your Son -- Questions You Have to Ask
  • How to Deal with Escaped Arrows
  • Feminism
  • Breaking Your Arrow's Will
Please leave your requests in the form of an email, or a response in the compliment box. Quivers of Men will consider your responses and determine which topic to address first. But fear not! We will eventually have answers for all of your problems. 

In the service of the Lord, 
Quivers of Men

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Created To Be His Help-Meet, Fill His Quiver, and Keep Him From Straying

After the whirlwind of non-activity surrounding late December, and several long discussions with weaker brothers on what their New Year resolutions ought to be, Quivers of Men is back and holier than ever! We know we were missed in our absence, and we understand. Where else will you find religious advice anywhere close to as sound and God-breathed as ours? Oh that's right, nowhere. 

One of our female (and therefore lesser) readers sent us a disturbing question. Anne writes:

Urgent advice needed! I've provided my Man with 4 arrows, but now my figure is all stretched out & I can't seem to lose the "baby" fat. I also spend a lot of my day sitting while I'm homeschooling the older 2 arrows. There just isn't time for workouts. I've tried adding some calisthenics while I'm cleaning, but I tire so easily with all I'm required to do in a week. I'm desperate.

My Man no longer compliments me on my appearance. He even complains that I look so tired & worn out all of the time. If he has an affair with a younger, peppier, more attractive-looking woman, it will be all MY fault for "letting myself go." I don't want to place my Man under such heavy temptation!

Any advice? How can this help-meet return to a lean, prime cut?

Anne, your concerns are indeed well-founded. With your selfish laziness, you are essentially forcing your husband to stray. With the amount of effort you're NOT putting into the sanctity of your marriage, you may as well introduce him to your friends' stay-at-home adult daughter and hand him a motel room key. But calm yourself, we will help.

First of all, 4 arrows? Do you not care at all about the culture war? The term is "quiverFULL" for a reason. Your measly 4 arrows have elbow room and then some in your quiver. Your appearance must be bleak indeed if you can't even create arrows at the average rate of 2.5 per year. 

Now concerning your appearance, you have let yourself go for so long that there is not much to be done. We trust that all you eat is what is grown or killed on your stretch of land. In this case, our only advice is to simply eat less, or don't eat at all. This can be very effective. However, if this, for any reason, is not the case, there is no hope for you, and please do not complain to us ever again. 

At this point, your best bet is symptomatic control. Since you can't lose 50 lbs in one day, do the best with what you have. Before your husband gets home from work, put on your nicest Sunday denim jumper, your whitest Keds, your pinkest lipstick, and take extra care with your french braid. He'll notice that you put extra time into your appearance, and while he knows you're still not nearly as attractive as your friends' stay-at-home adult daughter, he will appreciate the effort, and, after eating the meal you spent most of the day preparing, the two of you can get busy filling his quiver. 

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men