Friday, August 26, 2011

Father, Son and Holy Spiritship®

As we are sure you know, how you conduct your arrows' relationships is extremely telling about your level of maturity as parents, and as Christians. Others will have every right to judge you based on your courtship methods, so you must always be sure that the method you choose (ours) is the most godly. One of our help-meet readers recently sent us this dilemma.

Dear Quivers of Men,
Help! I am at my wit's end.
My stay-at-home adult daughter is in a very godly and biblical relationship with a young man. Since we obviously cannot place trust in either of them (they are children, after all!), we have taken very positive safeguards to protect them from themselves. We follow the natural list: no touching, no lingering eye contact, no alone time, etc. At least one, if not two, chaperons are always with them, and will continue to be until their wedding, one month from now. They have been generally receptive and grateful for these rules, but now we have a serious problem! There are certain other young couples in close contact with our daughter and her intended who are NOT following the biblical model for courtship. They hold hands, exchange "I love yous" and go out on dates! Their parents fully support and almost encourage it. And they claim to be Christians! Naturally, I KNOW that they are sinning and that the only outcome of those relationships is a dead end. But what about us?? Won't their "free" relationships make my patriarch and me look too legalistic and controlling? Please advise!

Dear help-meet, do not lose hope. Your question brings up a very good point, and is a good jumping off point for introducing our NEW method, "Father, Son and Holy Spiritship®." We are sure it goes without saying that "dating" is a blatant attack on our worldview. The biblical method, courtship, while its intentions were originally honorable, worldly influences have crept into it and turned it into a kind of "fancy dating" process, in which couples are allowed to "go out" in groups, as long as the young men have "permission" from the daughters' patriarchs. The newer method of "Lordship" has proven very effective (we have yet to see it come to fruition, aka marriage, but we have several hopefuls!), but we still feel it places a little too much emphasis on "love," "feelings," and the daughter's "place" in a relationship. Hence, our latest and holiest method, "Father, Son and Holy Spiritship
®." Here is a breakdown for you:

The "Father," seeking a patriarch for his hopeful-help-meet daughter, builds a relationship with the "Son," and the Holy Spirit blesses their relationship on its way to a godly marriage between the son and the father's daughter. This new way is by far the most godly and biblical. It is a great first pre-step in a pre-relationship (Lordship). It eliminates all confusion about the "primary players" in every relationship. With so much responsibility in a relationship removed from the daughter, she is much more free to continue fine-tuning her homemaking skills, serving her patriarch, and raising her younger fellow-arrows. 

So to our help-meet reader, adjust your method accordingly. And as for the "other" couples, we can hardly do more than shake our heads in disbelief that you have not yet confronted these couples' parents with their sin. And you say they remain in "close contact" with your daughter and her intended?? If it isn't clear by the double question mark, let us state the obvious: DO NOT let your daughter near these couples! And do not worry about appearing legalistic and controlling, revel in it! Rejoice that you are in the right, and be very vocal in your community about the sin and wrongness of the other couples. Feel free to criticize them in public settings. Others might accuse you of being "tactless," but keep in mind that tact is just an illusion the world invented so that it would not have to be confronted with its own shortcomings, which God intended for us to point out. God needs YOU to put a stop to their worldly influence!

You may begin sending us your Father, Son and Holy Spiritship® success stories. Few things bring us as much (godly) pride as knowing that our readers are walking in our truths. 

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Holier Than Ever

We at Quivers of Men would like to welcome ourselves back to our holy endeavor.

We would also like to take this time to ask of you, our struggling-to-be-Godly patriarchs and help-meets, what your particular struggles are and what your sinful homes and arrows need the most from our God-given wisdom. Quivers of Men is prepared to give insight into any of the issues surrounding our sacred calling to be an abnormal, eccentric, queer people. A few topics that we know you need our counsel on are listed below.
  • Father, Son and Holy Spiritship -- The First Pre-Step In a Pre-Relationship
  • If God Gave You Arrows, They're Always Your Arrows
  • If They're Doing Anything They Want To Do, They're Not Doing Anything They Need To Do
  • The QOM-sanctioned music for your ATiPod
  • Hair-Cutting -- The Devil's Craft Time
  • The Media, aka Homosexuality, Inc.
  • Seeking a Help-Meet for Your Son -- Questions You Have to Ask
  • How to Deal with Escaped Arrows
  • Feminism
  • Breaking Your Arrow's Will
Please leave your requests in the form of an email, or a response in the compliment box. Quivers of Men will consider your responses and determine which topic to address first. But fear not! We will eventually have answers for all of your problems. 

In the service of the Lord, 
Quivers of Men

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Created To Be His Help-Meet, Fill His Quiver, and Keep Him From Straying

After the whirlwind of non-activity surrounding late December, and several long discussions with weaker brothers on what their New Year resolutions ought to be, Quivers of Men is back and holier than ever! We know we were missed in our absence, and we understand. Where else will you find religious advice anywhere close to as sound and God-breathed as ours? Oh that's right, nowhere. 

One of our female (and therefore lesser) readers sent us a disturbing question. Anne writes:

Urgent advice needed! I've provided my Man with 4 arrows, but now my figure is all stretched out & I can't seem to lose the "baby" fat. I also spend a lot of my day sitting while I'm homeschooling the older 2 arrows. There just isn't time for workouts. I've tried adding some calisthenics while I'm cleaning, but I tire so easily with all I'm required to do in a week. I'm desperate.

My Man no longer compliments me on my appearance. He even complains that I look so tired & worn out all of the time. If he has an affair with a younger, peppier, more attractive-looking woman, it will be all MY fault for "letting myself go." I don't want to place my Man under such heavy temptation!

Any advice? How can this help-meet return to a lean, prime cut?

Anne, your concerns are indeed well-founded. With your selfish laziness, you are essentially forcing your husband to stray. With the amount of effort you're NOT putting into the sanctity of your marriage, you may as well introduce him to your friends' stay-at-home adult daughter and hand him a motel room key. But calm yourself, we will help.

First of all, 4 arrows? Do you not care at all about the culture war? The term is "quiverFULL" for a reason. Your measly 4 arrows have elbow room and then some in your quiver. Your appearance must be bleak indeed if you can't even create arrows at the average rate of 2.5 per year. 

Now concerning your appearance, you have let yourself go for so long that there is not much to be done. We trust that all you eat is what is grown or killed on your stretch of land. In this case, our only advice is to simply eat less, or don't eat at all. This can be very effective. However, if this, for any reason, is not the case, there is no hope for you, and please do not complain to us ever again. 

At this point, your best bet is symptomatic control. Since you can't lose 50 lbs in one day, do the best with what you have. Before your husband gets home from work, put on your nicest Sunday denim jumper, your whitest Keds, your pinkest lipstick, and take extra care with your french braid. He'll notice that you put extra time into your appearance, and while he knows you're still not nearly as attractive as your friends' stay-at-home adult daughter, he will appreciate the effort, and, after eating the meal you spent most of the day preparing, the two of you can get busy filling his quiver. 

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Lists: We Have Them, and Now, You Can, Too!

We at Quivers of Men realize that we have not given you, our readers, any spiritual guidance in almost two weeks now. As the "holiday season" approached, we have been confronting the challenges that come with those who want to adopt a pagan holiday and turn it into a so-called religious holiday. Now that we have successfully ostracized those who celebrate said holiday, we decided that it was once again time to offer you more of our wisdom.

We want to make it very clear that we do not believe in living our lives according to lists. We are not prone to unbiblical legalism. But unfortunately, everyone else is. Since you, our readers, are the weaker brothers here, we decided to provide you with some of our lists that will help you become more like us in our biblical legalism.

Modesty (females)

  • Can you see her collarbone? Immodest and indecent.
  • Does her sleeve end more than three inches above her elbow? Borderline immodest.
  • Sleeveless? Just kidding! We know that you would never dream of letting your wives or daughters dress like a prostitute. 
  • When she stands up straight with her arms down and her fingertips touching her legs, does her skirt end above her ankles? Immodest. 
  • Is she wearing loose-fitting pants? In her own home, borderline. Anywhere outside the home, offensive. 
Modesty (males)

  • Not an issue.
Pop Culture - Movies

  • Was it made before 1965? It's more than likely all right.
  • Was it made after 1965? It's more than likely not all right. Exception is The Princess Bride.
  • Disney movies? Made before 1975, probably all right.
  • Rated G? Make sure you watch it first.
  • Rated PG? Make sure you dub out all offensive material.*
  • Rated PG-13? Obtain the permission of your church elders, or Quivers of Men. We are sure it goes without saying that PG-13 movies in general are only acceptable if the rating is for war violence. 
  • Rated R? Remember, R stands for WRONG. 
  • Outings to movie theaters? Only as a family. 
Pop Culture - Music

  • Was it written in or before the 19th century? Acceptable.
  • Was it written in the 20th century? Make sure you thoroughly listen to it first.
  • Was it written in the 21st century? No approval. No exceptions. 
These are just a few of our lists that we keep to ensure that we are not living in unbiblical legalism. Start utilizing them today and before you know it, you'll be starting lists of your own! (Just be sure you run them by us so we can make sure your lists align themselves with ours--the right ones!)

We hope you all are having a blessed December! We are sure that you will all have a very uneventful rest of the month, and in case we don't post again before then, have a happy New Year!

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

*For our list of offensive material, contact us privately.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Lions, and Tigers, and Sinners, Oh My!

Recently, we received a question asking what to do when you have "friends" who are not like you. These people come in all shapes and sizes. They might have both parents working. They might go to movie theatres. They might allow their daughters to show their collarbones or to wear pants when doing yardwork. They might eat fast food. They might let their children look straight in the eye of the opposite, uh, gender...or even "date." They might not have as many children as they should. They might be "purpose driven." They might read "Bibles" that aren't the OKJV (Original King James Version). Or perhaps they've never volunteered at Vision Forum conferences or even manned the VF booth at the state homeschool convention. 

Be not alarmed, friends! We are here to help you deal with all types of sinners.

There are generally only two categories of difficult people you will have to come in contact with: those you work with, and those you attend church with.*  We are going to address each category individually.

When dealing with these kinds of sinners in the workplace, make it your first priority to remember that they probably don't know any better. They need constant help. Drop little hints in your conversations. Perhaps your coworker will say something like, 
"My daughter is enjoying her dance lessons so much! Praise God that she has found something she loves that glorifies Him!" 
Without plainly saying that he and his family are living in sin, say something along the lines of, 
"Oh, I didn't know that your family believed that dancing isn't a sin against God. Tell me: what are your thoughts on smoking, or fornicating?"
With a compassionate Christian smile on your face, of course. 

This method is fool-proof.** If your coworker does not come to repentance, you must not have been condescending enough, and Quivers of Men cannot be held responsible for your lack of converts.

Now, concerning sinners in your church. In short, there is absolutely no excuse for this. They are in church, for crying out loud! These people are in open rebellion, and are bent on rubbing their disdain for God's Laws in your face. Perhaps their sons don't wear ties, or they wear colored shirts, or their daughters tie the sash on their dress so tightly that you can see their waist. The best response here is to routinely look them up and down--because maybe, if you look at them long enough, they will miraculously be modestly transformed. Or at the very least they will be shamed into leaving, thus making sure they pollute some other congregation and not yours. Admittedly, we see the latter result more often than the former, but God works in mysterious ways and we believe that when we try hard enough He CAN be victorious!

One of the most important points here, as the OKJV reminds us, is not to be surprised at these fiery trials among you. Many are walking through the very same fires, so you mustn't think you are alone. If you begin to feel this way, please call  the VF Hotline and they will attempt to put you in touch with another family who is living by the same list you are and will be able to provide encouragement as you battle the influence of the less godly.

Stand firm, friends! When we get to heaven it's all going to be worth it to make sure that our children won't have to be corrupted by those who believe that fashion, entertainment (other than croquet and Scrabble), and moonshine can co-exist with the truth of God.

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

*Yes, unfortunately we understand that every church has members who don't belong because of some type of sin. If you haven't found them yet, you're not looking hard enough.

**This is not a method. We do not recommend methods.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Righteous Daughter: Learning to Wait

In every household, there comes a time when your female arrows will be old enough to begin a courtship process. Technically, this process can start when the daughter in question is about 27. However, since your help-meet will still be bearing you more arrows by the time your first daughters are "of age," it is generally too convenient with them at home helping with the younger arrows and serving their Patriarch. Therefore, feel free to hold off on the courtship process for as long as desired. Remember: marriage is always the goal, but God never mandated a specific amount of time in which to reach that goal. Good things come to those who serve their fathers.

Of course, your daughter will begin to wonder why her chief end--to get married and fill her husband's quiver--is so long in coming. Remind her constantly that everything happens according to God's timing, and that you alone will be made aware when God's time for her has come. She needn't worry about it. When she is to be married, you will let her know. However, at about age 30, your daughter will begin a quiet rebellion in the form of casting lingering looks at young men. This must not be allowed to continue. We cannot stress enough that in God's grand order for our lives, romantic feelings come only after marriage. You must work hard to ensure that your daughter suppresses all feelings of "love" until after her wedding.

Another obstacle you will run into is that young men may have their fathers contact you on their behalf about starting a courtship with your daughter. In this case, you can satisfy the young man without sacrificing the comfort of having your daughter live at home. Be honest with the young man: you will pray about it. And, friends, prayer can take a long, long time.

However, you must be careful! The last thing we want is to be seen as "normal." Worldly women wait an obscenely long time before getting married (if they even get married at all). You must not be seen as this! Take extra measures to make sure the "world" knows that your daughter is waiting out of obedience and deference, not self-righteous "independence." Keep her indoors as much as possible, so no one will see that she is not married. If she must go out-of-doors, make sure she wears many layers--i.e., routine turtleneck w/ floor-length denim jumper combo, stockings, keds, shawl, sweater tied around the waist (but not too tight!), hairnet, bonnet--so that she will not attract attention to herself. To be safe, when going out, put her mother's wedding ring on her left hand. The reason for this is twofold: one, people will assume she is married, and two, it symbolizes that she is married to her father until he passes that responsibility over to her future husband.

As always, we hope this helps you in your continuing righteous quest to be more like us and our Godly ways.

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

For the Patriarchs -- Yes, You Need Help, Too!

Now don't raise your fist in alarm, keep reading!  We all know that the Bible says that a wife is to be busy at all times with housework (with the exception of a day or two following each birth), but what the Patriarch needs to realize is that the wife needs your help to do all this.  Do you really think that she is capable of knowing exactly what needs to be done and how to do it without your oversight?  Some of you may be asking what you can do to help your wife, and we are here to provide some of those answers.

First of all, rather than being exasperated every time something is not done to your standards in the home, make a preemptive strike!  Sit your wife down with whatever chart or list you have concocted to show her what her duties are for each day/week/month, and systematically go through the steps that she is required to take to accomplish these tasks.  Remind her that "well begun is half done", and also that anything less than a completion of every step amounts to the job being undone.  Just think of the relief she will feel, knowing the task in front of her, and knowing that you have HELPED her to accomplish it! 

Of course there are pitfalls here, too.  At times, your wife may appear tired, or frustrated with her given tasks, or exhausted from dealing with your arrows all day.  Remember that she is weaker, and try not to exasperate her with too much rebuke (unless she is letting her tiredness show a little too much).  Instead, constantly remind her, with a smile on your face, that she was made for this by God, and certainly He will not give her more tasks (through her husband) than she has the stamina to complete!  Isn't that a blessed truth?!

But the danger can come when, as a result of seeing your wife's tiredness, you attempt to do things to UNhelp her, things that ultimately make her job, and yours, much harder.  Whether through verbal cues, or just a sinful look in her eye, she communicates to you that YOU should be doing some of the tasks assigned to her, and if you give in out of your love for her, expect chaos to immediately ensue.  You have now turned the world and its order upside down  in one, swift, weak-leader move!  Unloading the dishwasher, changing a diaper, or cleaning a toilet may seem like a little thing once in a while, but what you have done is to make a lie out of creation.  And the long-term effects are not only possible, but probable!  We already know what they are....we lived through the Women's Lib Movement!  Men, do not be persuaded to abandon your post!  There is no need to get up off that couch, or turn off your Glenn Beck program after a long day of work!  Relax, and glory in the fact that your home is running as it should, and that you, the Patriarch, have helped it to do so. 

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men