Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Created To Be His Help-Meet, Fill His Quiver, and Keep Him From Straying

After the whirlwind of non-activity surrounding late December, and several long discussions with weaker brothers on what their New Year resolutions ought to be, Quivers of Men is back and holier than ever! We know we were missed in our absence, and we understand. Where else will you find religious advice anywhere close to as sound and God-breathed as ours? Oh that's right, nowhere. 

One of our female (and therefore lesser) readers sent us a disturbing question. Anne writes:

Urgent advice needed! I've provided my Man with 4 arrows, but now my figure is all stretched out & I can't seem to lose the "baby" fat. I also spend a lot of my day sitting while I'm homeschooling the older 2 arrows. There just isn't time for workouts. I've tried adding some calisthenics while I'm cleaning, but I tire so easily with all I'm required to do in a week. I'm desperate.

My Man no longer compliments me on my appearance. He even complains that I look so tired & worn out all of the time. If he has an affair with a younger, peppier, more attractive-looking woman, it will be all MY fault for "letting myself go." I don't want to place my Man under such heavy temptation!

Any advice? How can this help-meet return to a lean, prime cut?

Anne, your concerns are indeed well-founded. With your selfish laziness, you are essentially forcing your husband to stray. With the amount of effort you're NOT putting into the sanctity of your marriage, you may as well introduce him to your friends' stay-at-home adult daughter and hand him a motel room key. But calm yourself, we will help.

First of all, 4 arrows? Do you not care at all about the culture war? The term is "quiverFULL" for a reason. Your measly 4 arrows have elbow room and then some in your quiver. Your appearance must be bleak indeed if you can't even create arrows at the average rate of 2.5 per year. 

Now concerning your appearance, you have let yourself go for so long that there is not much to be done. We trust that all you eat is what is grown or killed on your stretch of land. In this case, our only advice is to simply eat less, or don't eat at all. This can be very effective. However, if this, for any reason, is not the case, there is no hope for you, and please do not complain to us ever again. 

At this point, your best bet is symptomatic control. Since you can't lose 50 lbs in one day, do the best with what you have. Before your husband gets home from work, put on your nicest Sunday denim jumper, your whitest Keds, your pinkest lipstick, and take extra care with your french braid. He'll notice that you put extra time into your appearance, and while he knows you're still not nearly as attractive as your friends' stay-at-home adult daughter, he will appreciate the effort, and, after eating the meal you spent most of the day preparing, the two of you can get busy filling his quiver. 

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men