Saturday, December 18, 2010

Lists: We Have Them, and Now, You Can, Too!

We at Quivers of Men realize that we have not given you, our readers, any spiritual guidance in almost two weeks now. As the "holiday season" approached, we have been confronting the challenges that come with those who want to adopt a pagan holiday and turn it into a so-called religious holiday. Now that we have successfully ostracized those who celebrate said holiday, we decided that it was once again time to offer you more of our wisdom.

We want to make it very clear that we do not believe in living our lives according to lists. We are not prone to unbiblical legalism. But unfortunately, everyone else is. Since you, our readers, are the weaker brothers here, we decided to provide you with some of our lists that will help you become more like us in our biblical legalism.

Modesty (females)

  • Can you see her collarbone? Immodest and indecent.
  • Does her sleeve end more than three inches above her elbow? Borderline immodest.
  • Sleeveless? Just kidding! We know that you would never dream of letting your wives or daughters dress like a prostitute. 
  • When she stands up straight with her arms down and her fingertips touching her legs, does her skirt end above her ankles? Immodest. 
  • Is she wearing loose-fitting pants? In her own home, borderline. Anywhere outside the home, offensive. 
Modesty (males)

  • Not an issue.
Pop Culture - Movies

  • Was it made before 1965? It's more than likely all right.
  • Was it made after 1965? It's more than likely not all right. Exception is The Princess Bride.
  • Disney movies? Made before 1975, probably all right.
  • Rated G? Make sure you watch it first.
  • Rated PG? Make sure you dub out all offensive material.*
  • Rated PG-13? Obtain the permission of your church elders, or Quivers of Men. We are sure it goes without saying that PG-13 movies in general are only acceptable if the rating is for war violence. 
  • Rated R? Remember, R stands for WRONG. 
  • Outings to movie theaters? Only as a family. 
Pop Culture - Music

  • Was it written in or before the 19th century? Acceptable.
  • Was it written in the 20th century? Make sure you thoroughly listen to it first.
  • Was it written in the 21st century? No approval. No exceptions. 
These are just a few of our lists that we keep to ensure that we are not living in unbiblical legalism. Start utilizing them today and before you know it, you'll be starting lists of your own! (Just be sure you run them by us so we can make sure your lists align themselves with ours--the right ones!)

We hope you all are having a blessed December! We are sure that you will all have a very uneventful rest of the month, and in case we don't post again before then, have a happy New Year!

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

*For our list of offensive material, contact us privately.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Lions, and Tigers, and Sinners, Oh My!

Recently, we received a question asking what to do when you have "friends" who are not like you. These people come in all shapes and sizes. They might have both parents working. They might go to movie theatres. They might allow their daughters to show their collarbones or to wear pants when doing yardwork. They might eat fast food. They might let their children look straight in the eye of the opposite, uh, gender...or even "date." They might not have as many children as they should. They might be "purpose driven." They might read "Bibles" that aren't the OKJV (Original King James Version). Or perhaps they've never volunteered at Vision Forum conferences or even manned the VF booth at the state homeschool convention. 

Be not alarmed, friends! We are here to help you deal with all types of sinners.

There are generally only two categories of difficult people you will have to come in contact with: those you work with, and those you attend church with.*  We are going to address each category individually.

When dealing with these kinds of sinners in the workplace, make it your first priority to remember that they probably don't know any better. They need constant help. Drop little hints in your conversations. Perhaps your coworker will say something like, 
"My daughter is enjoying her dance lessons so much! Praise God that she has found something she loves that glorifies Him!" 
Without plainly saying that he and his family are living in sin, say something along the lines of, 
"Oh, I didn't know that your family believed that dancing isn't a sin against God. Tell me: what are your thoughts on smoking, or fornicating?"
With a compassionate Christian smile on your face, of course. 

This method is fool-proof.** If your coworker does not come to repentance, you must not have been condescending enough, and Quivers of Men cannot be held responsible for your lack of converts.

Now, concerning sinners in your church. In short, there is absolutely no excuse for this. They are in church, for crying out loud! These people are in open rebellion, and are bent on rubbing their disdain for God's Laws in your face. Perhaps their sons don't wear ties, or they wear colored shirts, or their daughters tie the sash on their dress so tightly that you can see their waist. The best response here is to routinely look them up and down--because maybe, if you look at them long enough, they will miraculously be modestly transformed. Or at the very least they will be shamed into leaving, thus making sure they pollute some other congregation and not yours. Admittedly, we see the latter result more often than the former, but God works in mysterious ways and we believe that when we try hard enough He CAN be victorious!

One of the most important points here, as the OKJV reminds us, is not to be surprised at these fiery trials among you. Many are walking through the very same fires, so you mustn't think you are alone. If you begin to feel this way, please call  the VF Hotline and they will attempt to put you in touch with another family who is living by the same list you are and will be able to provide encouragement as you battle the influence of the less godly.

Stand firm, friends! When we get to heaven it's all going to be worth it to make sure that our children won't have to be corrupted by those who believe that fashion, entertainment (other than croquet and Scrabble), and moonshine can co-exist with the truth of God.

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

*Yes, unfortunately we understand that every church has members who don't belong because of some type of sin. If you haven't found them yet, you're not looking hard enough.

**This is not a method. We do not recommend methods.