Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Created To Be His Help-Meet, Fill His Quiver, and Keep Him From Straying

After the whirlwind of non-activity surrounding late December, and several long discussions with weaker brothers on what their New Year resolutions ought to be, Quivers of Men is back and holier than ever! We know we were missed in our absence, and we understand. Where else will you find religious advice anywhere close to as sound and God-breathed as ours? Oh that's right, nowhere. 

One of our female (and therefore lesser) readers sent us a disturbing question. Anne writes:

Urgent advice needed! I've provided my Man with 4 arrows, but now my figure is all stretched out & I can't seem to lose the "baby" fat. I also spend a lot of my day sitting while I'm homeschooling the older 2 arrows. There just isn't time for workouts. I've tried adding some calisthenics while I'm cleaning, but I tire so easily with all I'm required to do in a week. I'm desperate.

My Man no longer compliments me on my appearance. He even complains that I look so tired & worn out all of the time. If he has an affair with a younger, peppier, more attractive-looking woman, it will be all MY fault for "letting myself go." I don't want to place my Man under such heavy temptation!

Any advice? How can this help-meet return to a lean, prime cut?

Anne, your concerns are indeed well-founded. With your selfish laziness, you are essentially forcing your husband to stray. With the amount of effort you're NOT putting into the sanctity of your marriage, you may as well introduce him to your friends' stay-at-home adult daughter and hand him a motel room key. But calm yourself, we will help.

First of all, 4 arrows? Do you not care at all about the culture war? The term is "quiverFULL" for a reason. Your measly 4 arrows have elbow room and then some in your quiver. Your appearance must be bleak indeed if you can't even create arrows at the average rate of 2.5 per year. 

Now concerning your appearance, you have let yourself go for so long that there is not much to be done. We trust that all you eat is what is grown or killed on your stretch of land. In this case, our only advice is to simply eat less, or don't eat at all. This can be very effective. However, if this, for any reason, is not the case, there is no hope for you, and please do not complain to us ever again. 

At this point, your best bet is symptomatic control. Since you can't lose 50 lbs in one day, do the best with what you have. Before your husband gets home from work, put on your nicest Sunday denim jumper, your whitest Keds, your pinkest lipstick, and take extra care with your french braid. He'll notice that you put extra time into your appearance, and while he knows you're still not nearly as attractive as your friends' stay-at-home adult daughter, he will appreciate the effort, and, after eating the meal you spent most of the day preparing, the two of you can get busy filling his quiver. 

In the service of the Lord,
Quivers of Men

11 comments:

  1. Thank you for helping keep women in line and in their place. All women must acknowledge and accept this standard of eternal babymaker/supermodel. It is their God-given destiny, and their highest calling in this life.

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  2. I'm gonna print this out and carry it around with me to present as standard/required reading for any future female slav...err, help-meet.

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  3. Thank you for your advice about doing the best with what you have. That goal is something attainable for me.

    According to healthy weight charts, I've only got 10 to 15 pounds to lose (not as bad as 50), but we all know that most American men prefer their help-meets (sometimes it feels more like help-meats) to match the cultural demands of being ten to fifteen percent UNDER weight.

    So, I've always been on a diet since I became a tween. Fighting against my body to maintain that twiggy ideal. But it's so hard during pregnancies when good nutrition is important for those developing quivers. It just doesn't feel right to semi-starve a growing baby. So now I've got to lose at least 30 - 40 pounds so my Man will face less temptation. Back to my semi-starvation diet until my next pregnancy.

    I guess it's just one of the trials of being the lesser sex.

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  4. I'm surprised that they haven't used the methods of so many which have worked for women for many years, Meth,

    heroin in the days of old, but Meth today, or Cocaine, has been the cure all for the lazy woman, why she can lose all that weight, be the super lover super speed and keep a perfect maintained house to boot,

    why it's Super Woman! The invention of the Master Race!!!

    All the ancient Cults have used it [and still do in the East], why the BDSM industry and Image of Inanna industry use these blessings of the 'gods' all the time,

    come on Quiverfull men, get with the program. [after all, it's a Culture war]

    ;)

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  5. "why it's Super Woman! The invention of the Master Race!!!

    All the ancient Cults have used it [and still do in the East], why the BDSM industry and Image of Inanna industry use these blessings of the 'gods' all the time,"

    Any similarities to the MLK/Monarch ancient Pharaoh's and Temples to Marduk [Babylon] purely

    coincidental of course. Remember you can always put the lazy women working at the wheel, even the Vatican says, those evil women will be broken on the wheel [Inquisition] of hell fire,

    but no relation, of course! [merely and oddly coincidental, who hijacked who first, the chicken or the egg?]

    ;)

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  6. Hilarious. Just don't eat....I always wondered if those adult SAHD had a hidden agenda. Now I know--it's tempting those breadwinners away from their old-hag wives.....

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  7. What church do you people attend?

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  8. Dear "Quiver"
    I just found your oh-so-helpful blog!
    I am addicted!
    STAY STRONG BROTHER!!!!
    THOSE FEMINIST FEMALES CAN'T WIN'EM ALL!!!
    SNICKER!
    BWHHA-HAA!!!!!!
    My answer to the Anonymous @ 5:51 would be
    "The Church of tongue in cheek"
    :)

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  9. Yes and remember that if he does commit adultery, you must apologize immediately for your failures as a helpmeet, since we know that our beloved patriarchs never, ever sin of their own volition or by their own fault, but rather as the natural result of having unsubmissive and unGodly wives! Clearly you are not being submissive enough. Repent from your contentious nature and from now on you must never take a bite of anything without your husband's direct permission.

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  10. bahahahaha!!!

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  11. Hilarious blog. Hope you start posting again soon!

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